You know, sometimes things within families run deep! The past, is never really the past even though you try your whole lifetime to make it change. Some people, family members...sisters to be more exact, will just always have a problem with the others. It doesn't matter that they are now grown and married and have children of their own, who are also, quite possibly grown and married themselves! Certain relationships, like sisters are always a competition and sadly, there is always one who has to try and out do the others and try and make them look bad in certain situations! And more often then not....it's silly, laughable, but not always at the time it is happening! Alot of you know what I am saying, hopefully not many though. Because underneath ALL the pettiness, that you try NOT to let happen and yet, somehow you are part of it....It's sad and hurtful! Not only to you, the person that it is actually hurting, but, MORE then likely and probably more so, to the person that is doing the hurting, but refuses to acknowledge it!
This is happening right now to me and one of my sister's. The one born before me, I am the baby! There has ALWAYS been tension between us, maybe even before I was old enough to realize it! She is about 5 yrs older then I and has ALWAYS tried to make my life miserable. For years, as grown-ups we rarely contacted each other. Not because of all of the "past", but because we are grown now and have our own lives and families. That happens in some families, especially when they aren't close anyway....sadly (I'm the youngest of 6)!
Now it has come to the simple planning of our Dad's 80th birthday....and there is strife! Over something silly and ridiculous! I live the furthest away and so communicating has had to be thru email.....I know, things get misconstrued thru emails. But, this particular sister, as she so strongly pointed out to me, works a 9 hr a day job.....I am at Home (my job never ends)! She has no energy OR time to debate my issues! I asked why she changed me from doing this one thing for the party and gave it to our other sister instead (she is in-charge of it all)? She basically told me, as IF I am still her Little Sister....to Just Stop! Yet she never answered my question....never told me the reason, I had to find that out from the other sister!
I guess what I am trying to say is this.....Communicate! Alot of stress on people, especially in families between Sister's, could be avoided with Communication!
I did take the high road and apologized, even though I didn't do anything to apologize for! She, as expected, accepted my apology....but didn't offer one back! And when I pointed out to her that all she had to do was tell me why the change in plans happened....she now tells me again, to Just Stop! And asks me if all I have to do all day is complain!
How am I to respond to such childish responses from my older sister?
I responded that she has my cell and she is welcome to call on her "free time" to discuss things like a grown-up and that I love her!
Thanks for reading! I had to vent....advice welcomed if you have any!
Oh sweet Lisa, sadly I hear this more often than not from other friends. I too am the baby in my family and while I have a good relationship with my brother and sister now there was a time when I was always treated as the baby, sidelined and my ideas overlooked. For many years my older sister would bring up often that I was the spoiled child, how I had more than she did etc growing up. One day I finally pointed out that I was a child and that my parents were better off financially when I came along so if I was spoiled with things it was not my doing, I was a little girl after all. We as grown ups need to learn to move on and accept responsibility for our own happiness at some point. It wasn't until my Mom passed away that we really developed a friendship, perhaps because Mom's approval was no longer being sought after. I tell friends all the time we can pick our friends but not our families, we are often related to people we might not normally spend time with otherwise. I believe God puts us in these relationships to learn something about ourselves and others. If you speak from the heart and hold no ill will then you must detach from the outcome, the issue is probably theirs. I know it can hurt and it is easier said than done but try to let it go, be the bigger person and always take the high road. Then you will always know you did all you could and find peace within yourself. Good luck dear one, and enjoy the party, it is after all about your Dad!
ReplyDeleteLisa,
ReplyDeleteI applaud you for your openness and honesty and your courage for putting your true feelings 'out there'. So many ladies will identify in some way and hopefully give you some input to make you feel better about this whole situation.
I come from a family of six girls. We love each other fiercely but that doesn't mean that we always get along. Unfortunately, while I have tried to take the 'high road' or as my husband says, "be the better person", they haven't always and there have been so many big disappointments in my life as a result. I have learned that we can't change other people, just ourselves and it can be a big learning experience.
I hope everything works out for you and that you have some peace of mind. Come up with an original idea of your own for your father's party and surprise everyone! Good luck, Lisa!
xoxo
Jane
Sadly, I have no siblings. I can't personally relate. However, I do see/hear this going on in many families. For some reason, those that work outside of the home seem to resent those of us that choose to work at home instead. I sometimes think that is absolutely the root of many issues such as this. It appears to me that she is taking issue with her "arrangement" but yet wants to be the "hero, head planner, best daughter" and organize it all. What's really going to get her goat is when you father thanks each and every one of his children equally. Then she can really stew, and of course that will lead to more unhappiness on her behalf. I think you definitely took the high road. I must say that you are certainly better than I for I would not have apologized for something that I had not done. I applaud you for that. You have offered your time, love, and support. It is now up to her to accept it, or continue to be unhappy. One of the first signs of a well organized, ideal "employee" is to be able to delegate. It increases efficiency, shows ability to relate, and decreases stress. Apparently she missed that memo. Best of luck to ya sweetie dealing with this one. Sorry to sound so harsh, but your a sweetie from what I can tell.. and you don't deserve that kind of treatment.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you are having to make sense of this. I know, first hand, that emotions between siblings can run high. The issue/feelings at hand can sometimes be an old issue/feelings resurfacing in a different forum.
ReplyDeleteWith my mom's dementia there are lots of issues surfacing within our family and I had to just step back and remove myself from the drama. I don't like the drama game and won't be pulled in to play.
Advice - try to have as much communication now so that this issue doesn't fester and grow. There will be lots of family stuff to be worked out in years to come and setting the tone now for good communication is key. Good luck and I hope this gets resolved soon.
As anyone who has read my blog for a long time knows, I have had a sister issue so I understand how tough and challenging it can get. Probably every sister everywhere has found it to be so from time to time. Sending you good wishes for an excellent outcome. (My sister and I are getting along better all the time, but we are both working on communicating more clearly.)
ReplyDeleteHi Lisa!
ReplyDeleteI can't tell you how sorry I am that you are going thru this! I can feel it deep within my heart because, unfortunately, I too am experiencing the same thing with a family member. Everything thing you said is such an exact match that I can't believe it. And, I am with you....It is so senseless...Why does this have to happen? All we can do is pray! Like you, my situation has been going on a long, drawn out time (3 years). I have reached out, over and over again, but nothing changes...I just get blamed. It is cruel and relentless and has no business existing within a family. I can't apologize and take responsibility for something I am not doing and I can't make a change in behavior I don't own. So here we sit...stuck. I wish I could give you the magic formula to resolve things and bring what you have been going thru for so long, to a peaceful and final end...never to happen again.
Good luck, dear one and take comfort in knowing that there are people out here that can relate (don't feel crazy) and support you in your search for a peaceful relationship with your sister.....Karen
Lisa, so sorry for the hassles when at the time it should be a joyous occasion!I was the youngest of four, nine year gap and always was the "baby". Now there all gone, yes, miss them but it is so hard. I watch my three oldest now treat my youngest this way and constantly have to intervene! Funny though, I think the youngest ends up the most mature and organized!! Wish you well in the outcome! lori
ReplyDeleteI don't have any siblings. In the past I envied those with brothers and sisters. After witnessing the fighting between my husband's siblings, I am happy not to have any. My advice to you is to do your best to let your sister's attitude just roll off your back. I agree with Marla, don't participate in the drama. The more you get involved, the more hurtful things become. Focus on your own family and friends. Perhaps your sister will come around in time. If not, you are creating your own happy environment. Just extend the branch of friendship and let her make the next move. If she does not respond in the way you wish, let it go.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Susan and Bentley
xxoo