I try not to be one who gets on here and posts about my problems or issues. Although, I am not against those that do....because there are many times I feel the need to do just that, but don't! But today I am going to use this post as a journal of sorts....maybe venting forum is a better way to say it. I am quite sure that later I am going to wish I hadn't and may delete the whole thing....because more often then not once I get something off my chest, regret for airing it sets in and I think to myself "Why did I just do that!" But if you don't mind I would like to say that I had my feelings hurt last night, as is often the case lately!That is why I am titling this "Is it me?"
Of course I would have to go back a bit for anybody to understand what in the heck I am talking about....so if you care to bare with me! Here goes:
Our youngest daughter, the only one Home now, has been having a sleeping issue since before Thanksgiving. She went to a sleepover around that time with a group of girls, I am just remembering I posted about it on 11/18/09 (I just discovered I don't know how to do the "here" and have it show up...oh well). Anyway, they watched (meaning everyone but her) Paranormal Activity. And they did nothing but talk about it around her for weeks! She now has sleeping issues and won't sleep in her room, which happens to be toward the back of our Home. She is perfectly safe there....but none the less, she now sleeps in her sister's room/guest room I re-did recently, because it is closer to our room! This was all fine and good for awhile because we wanted her to feel safe....no problem. I made it totally clear to her that just because she is sleeping there, does NOT mean she is taking over the room as if it were hers!
I know she says!
Well, as I predicted (to myself) she has slowly taken over this room. This is the one room I could count on to....stay clean and relaxed looking after years of having her sister demolish the room when she was here on a daily basis. So now, not only has she left her own room messy and very lived in looking, she leaves this room the same way. She never has time to make the bed, pick up her clothes, throw away her trash or bring down her dirty dishes to the kitchen. She goes to school like every other kid at 7:15 a.m. and I pick her up at 2:30 p.m. everyday. She is in basketball, so everyday she does have practice if there is not an actual game. She rarely has homework, because she gets it done in school. Practice lasts about 1 hr and 45 mins. Otherwise, she is Home, doing what you might ask.....sitting on the computer. Which really doesn't bother me that she gets on the computer. But I would appreciate some "help" in the area of her room! She knows this....but she fights it every single day. She has no chores, because I am an at Home mom and there are only 3 of us here now, for the most part I can get what needs to be done...done! But, I do not clean their rooms (my girls that is). When they became old enough to do it on their own it became their job!
Should I feel bad about that??
Because I am "at Home", does that mean anything concerning Home is my JOB? I mean okay, what else do I do all day right? That is basically what my DH asked me last night around 10 p.m. when I was telling DD she was not sleeping in her sisters room anymore! You see I spent my day yesterday cleaning "both of her bedrooms", because you see now she has 2 since she can't sleep in hers! She makes a BIG deal anytime I ask her to clean up or straighten her room! Why am I worried about it she asks?
Okay, so yesterday afternoon DH calls me from work and asks what I am doing? I tell him that I am cleaning DD's 2 bedrooms. I say that I think it is time that she moves into her "own room", he agrees! He suggests we talk to her "tonight"! (which was last night).....I say okay, your with me on this right? I'm not off on thinking she has done this long enough right (I mean she will be 15 on the 25th)! He seems to agree again and repeats that we will talk "tonight"! Well, tonight never came out of his mouth, so after Idol at 10 p.m., ....bedtime, I said you need to sleep in your room tonight! The fussing began and DH all of a sudden was NOT with me on this! You see he was tired, and I know he was....me too!
But where's my back up man?
All of a sudden I was told I picked the wrong time, 10 o'clock at night was not the time, why didn't I bring it up earlier? and so on! (if I would have brought it up earlier, she would have just whined longer!) I said, Why didn't YOU bring it up earlier? I reminded him that we talked about this earlier! I mean is it my JOB too, to have these conversations and reinforce things all by myself, because I am "at Home" all day?
So here is the thing that was said that Hurt my feelings! He looks at me and points to her and says: She has the equivalent of a JOB by going to school everyday!!!! Whoa....I mean WHOA! Did I just hear him right? MY 15 yr old daughter....has a JOB by going to school everyday! SO, does that mean that "I" don't....because I am Home everyday and do nothing??
So I remind BOTH of them what I ACTUALLY do all day! Things like, getting up before either of them and bringing him up his coffee. Making sure she's awake so she can get ready for school, ironing his clothes so he can go to work, taking her to school, getting the groceries, washing the clothes, making the bed, vacuuming the floors, paying the bills, washing the dishes, running the errands, taking her to and from bball practice, picking up AFTER THEM because they can't seem to do it themselves....need I say more?! I think I do a heck of ALOT for having NO JOB!
Again.....Is it me?
Well, she slept in her sister's room! But she did make the bed when she got out of it!
I did iron his clothes this morning, even though last night I told him I was done! He did try and make up to me before he walked out the door....but I am still hurt and mad! I told him he hurt me last night and I was still not happy! Of course he says that he didn't mean it that way! Right!
Overall she is a GREAT kid and I LOVE my DH very much, but we all have those times and I know that. But it doesn't make it hurt any less when it does happen on those few occasions!
I now need to go to my JOB and wash all of this "dirty laundry" that I have been airing!
Thanks for listening! I know someone out there can relate to me right now!
P.S. This John Mayer song came on the radio right after I dropped off my daughter at school this morning on my way Home! I took it as a sign, ha,ha! Please enjoy it! :)
I am that "someone" who can relate to you!
ReplyDeleteBeing a Stay-at-home mom is a thankless job! We are maids, chefs, nurses, secretaries, hookers! Disregard that last one..LOL
What I am saying is that I agree with you 110%!!
We may not work an 8 hour shift, we can take a break whenever we want to! But, even when 3 o'clock arrives...we are STILL AT WORK! We cannot leave and let the second shift roll in! 24/7 365...that is our shift!
I believe you will get A LOT of comments on this post...because we all feel under appreciated!
Hang in there and realized you are NOT alone!
Oh Lisa, please know that you are not alone! And I have to agree completely with Janene on this, too.
ReplyDeleteI've been going through some things with my family as well and let me tell you, your post was a blessing to me because I had a feeling that I was all alone and had no one to talk to about it...thanks for opening your heart and your home to us!
Hang in there, sister!
{{{HUGS}}}
Oh boy, does this post bring back memories! Seems like I was always the disciplinarian when our kids were teenagers and hubby was always the good guy. It's so hard! Try to have a good day and do something that makes YOU happy, Dawn
ReplyDeleteHi Lisa, A girl has to vent once in a while! Know that your not alone...I'm right there with you. When our husband and kids go off to work and school, we do our "job", they're gone, they don't see what we do...the house looks the same as when they left in the morning. Like the beds make themselves. The dirty laundry magically becomes clean and puts it's self away...I wish.
ReplyDeleteTake some time for yourself today and tomorrow...you deserve it...all us stay at home moms deserve it!
Hugs,
Leanne
I know what you mean about not posting about these kinds of things. But if one is brave enough to "go there," I think that it can help everyone. Looking forward to how this situation resolves and, no, it is not you! FlyLady has some good helps with regards to teen's cleaning chores and keeping rooms clean...I think. Best wishes with it!
ReplyDeleteLisa,
ReplyDeleteOh I can relate to this when I was married to my children's father and was a stay at home mom with three children. May I offer a bit of "wisdom" since now it is me that goes off to work and my hubby is retired I can see "both" sides" of the situation. Perhaps your husband was upset/frustrated/depressed over a situation at work, add to that tired. I think that when our family says "you are at HOME ALL DAY" it is not meant as a "put down" but rather "envy" of the person who "can arrange her day" versus having the entire 8 hours or more detailed by the company/school etc. I don't believe it means that they see you as "doing nothing". NEVER. They both know how much you do, that is you that makes their lives so easy, so nice to come home to, you pick up all the loose ends and tie it together in a beautiful bow called "Home". But they envy, the "non structure" of being a stay at home mom. I know where you are coming from. Also wondering if there is a tiny part of you that would like a part time job maybe. Even one or two days a week. Maybe you feel like you have talents that are not being used. However, I strongly believe that NO, you should not be picking up your daughters room or rooms. At her age she does need to be responsible for herself. Am writing a book here, sorry!
Lynn
Whoa is right, girlfriend. There have been many times I felt like the HEAVY in a situation and it isn't fun to be placed in that position.
ReplyDeleteHubby or no hubby, I'd lay down the law with my girl (been there, done that...I once found 20 half-filled cans of coke piled/hidden in my daughter's closet when she was 17...I flipped out). I felt like everyone was looking at me and saying "What wrong with YOU?" ERRR
I would have a serious talk with my hubbs and THEN I would have a serious talk with my girl ALONE. Backup by the hubbs or not, my daughter and I would have a meeting of the minds and she WOULD be returning to her first room.
Thinking of you...lifting you up.
Love, Rebecca
Lisa, I'm glad you posted this to get it off your chest so to speak. I too am a at HOME mom, I have two teens, and a hubby. I basically take care of everything at home, carpool, laundry, grocery, shopping, cooking, etc. That is a FULL TIME JOB! I know YOU know this, but I think you need to have a heart to heart when everyone is calm to state this fact to you family. I'm sorry, but I disagree with school being a full time job. Yes, it requires effort, and responsibility, but if your daughter is getting her work done at school, and has all this extra time at home to do nothing other than be on the computer, then she should be keeping her room clean. My son enjoys PS3 probably as much as your daughter enjoys her computer time. When my son fails to keep up his end of the bargain (meaning keeping room clean, grades up, etc) he looses his PS3 for a designated period of time. I am a firm believer in loosing privileges for disrespect, and not taking care of business. In our household, clean rooms are part of taking care of business. I can tell you that it is rare for me to have to take away a "privilege", they enjoy them too much, and would rather take care of "business" than deal with me taking away their fun. Sorry to have written a book here, Just my opinion.
ReplyDeleteI can understand for sure. From the age of 19 until the last three years I was the at HOME mom of three kids and one BIG kid.I have to admit I caused alot of what I got. I SPOILED my hubby and then the children as well. I was taught the mom got up early and did all that you have said. I stayed up late and pressed four suits of clothes and had them hanging. I cooked and baked.I also cleaned the rooms until one day I decided I got no respect and it was exspected of me. I also realized I was helping the kids I was hurting them because one day in this big world mommy wouldn't be there.
ReplyDeleteAt that point I said im not a maid! I am a wife and mom. I will do my part and you will do yours! If yours isn't done then you will stay home until it is.I let my hubby see what a blessing he had in a woman that still ironed. I stopped for awhile.
I know today my children will tell me they finally learned. They will appreciate you when their children do the same to them.When my daughter calls home and tells me stuff I can laugh and say oh yea pay back!
I know your daughter is a sweetie because she has a mom like you,but it is time.Her growing up years are now. If your hubby wants her staying in that room maybe he will agree for you to redo hers for the vistors.
God Bless you.
Hello Lisa,
ReplyDeleteI can only tell you that after 50 years of marriage, I'm finally realizing that my hubby can appear to be listening and grasping everything I'm saying but I eventually find out that nothing sank in! Is it a guy thing?
And as far as the teenagers go...been there, done that. I'm so happy that they are now all grown and ended up being absolutely wonderful, in spite of their short comings as kids! So...vent when you can. But keep the faith.
Fondly,
Joanne
Lisa,
ReplyDeleteI guess I'm a little more "hard core" than the rest of your readers. I don't have kids and my husband and I both work full-time, but I was a teen-ager once myself. I'd say no clean rooms, no computer....or give her the option of making the re-done room into her room and then you have another room you can re-decorate. I was a messy teen and when my room got too "out of control" I couldn't do ANYTHING until it was clean. My room could go from "tornado" to "Mr. Clean" in minutes when I thought I wasn't going to be able to do something I wanted to do.
"stay at home" is not "slave at home!" there. i said it. i feel cleansed! lol
ReplyDeleteHi there,
ReplyDeleteI have a case of insomnia after collapsing on the sofa earlier, and I'm so glad I came here tonight!
I was a SAHM for years, and I loved it. I now work full time, and then some. I must say that I much preferred staying home. My job at work ends (hardly ever, I bring home about 10-20 hours of work per week that I must do at home) and then my home job of cleaning, etc, begins. I don't know how women work when they are raising kids. Hats off to them, but for a lot of us we don't need to work to have an identity.
So that was a lot of background, before I pipe up with my opinion. By the way,I too rarely use my blog as a vent place, but I too did tonight to a small degree. (Maybe it's the moon?)
I don't think you should make your daughter's bed, nor should you clean her room. Even though you're home, you're not her housekeeper. She should do that herself. I started teaching when our youngest was 14. He has been doing all his own laundry ever since,and he's quite independent now at 23. I didn't clean my kids' rooms at all after they were 12 or so. If they looked awful, I shut the door. I think you should try that. You will find it freeing.
One more thought. Is there any chance she can trade rooms with her sister? I know it sounds odd but our kids did that here and there. We always did it on a whim, and the change was fun for all. It's too bad she got so terrified though, maybe it's better she work that out rather than using that other room. Forgive my waffling.
It's good you vented. I can so relate to you not wanting to share that stuff here, but it is rather freeing, isn't it?
Take care.
Hi lisa,
ReplyDeleteI remember so well raising my two daughters. You are not wrong, it would have hurt my feelings too.
Some times is so hard to get through to a teenager. I took things away until they cleaned their rooms. My Sister took her teenagers door off until she cleaned her room. That worked really well.
If she wants the room you just re-decorated. Then trade her rooms, but let her know she does not own two rooms. Only one and she has to keep it clean, or you will stop doing so many things for her.. If you help her, when she should help you.
I know its hard. My girls are 30 and 32 now and they keep great clean homes. It just takes a while.
Keep your chin up and take control, you can do it.
Big hugs for you,
Elizabeth
I love "real" life posts because it makes all of us feel better.
ReplyDeleteIn raising 3 daughters, they all are different and their needs different. That really makes it hard to be consistent in parenting and disciplining. I hear what you are saying.
My youngest is the messiest slob in the family and we go round and round - constantly. Drives me crazy. Her personality is go with the flow, easy going - mine is get it done, don't procrastinate. She's now 21 and should I be cleaning up after her? No way, but her standards and my standards are so very different. I have to keep telling myself that she's a great kid in all other ways but when I'm up to my neck in junk and can't see her floor.....LOL