Tuesday, June 8, 2010

44 Days....

Today is 44 days since I lost my Mom! My Dad called tonight, just to talk. I hadn't called him since Friday, not for any particular reason....just life. He just wanted to see how "I" was doing. Of course, what do I do....start crying! That happens when I talk to my Dad....since mom died. I try REALLY hard not too, but it just happens. I don't want to, but I do! I thought I was doing good, not crying "every" day....just sometimes. Certain thoughts, middle of the night when I can't sleep, when I am alone....but, not as much.
Until I talk to my Dad!
You see, as I have mentioned, I live 1 1/2 hrs from my parents. So most of my communication was by phone, every few days. So for me, that is when it is hardest.
How many times I have thought to call and tell my Mom something and then think, Oh....yeah, can't! I miss her still and the tears flow.... I don't mean for them too....they just Do! Sometimes I feel as if I am just here. Functioning, because I have to. If I had my choice, I would have pajama day ALOT! But, I have to function....go on, ya know!
Dad said he went out to dinner with one of my sister's last night. He said she is having trouble too, but she did talk about Mom alittle bit.
He said he cries too, sometimes!
I guess this will happen for awhile yet! I guess this is normal!
Not easy though!
If you are Lucky enough to have your parents still with you....Hug them, Lots! And make sure they know you Love them! You won't regret it, I promise!


  1. I love the song you have playing, one of my favorites. You shouldn't feel bad about not being able to stop the tears. It's a normal part of grieving, something you'll be doing for a long time to come. Eventually you will cry less but the memories will never, ever fade.
    ((hugs)) to you and your Dad.

  2. Oh honey....I know exactly what you are going through. It is sooo hard. Cry when you need to, grieve, laugh at funny memories....take one moment at a time.

    I miss both of my parents....and I echo your thoughts....if you have your parents still here, hug them, call them, tell them you love them.

  3. oh sweetie what you are feeling is SO normal! it's still fresh and new, I wanted to call my Mom for years after she passed...little by little I started seeing signs that I felt she was sending and I knew it would all be okay. I continue to hold you all in my prayers.

  4. Lisa... don't even try to stop the tears. Know that it is perfectly normal and if the tears need to fall.. let them. Talk.. laugh.. Cry.. Talk some more.. there's plenty of us here to "read", but we're listening with our hearts too. I'm going to see my parents this weekend.. I'm going to be sure to take your advice.. and hug them big time. I don't get to see them as often as I used to. Gotta grab those moments every time you can. BTW.. I think that is the sweetest picture of your mom.

  5. It's so early yet... The tears will come and they'll be healing so don't think you must not cry. Once when I was going through a grieving season, I had to take planned time for crying because tears were spilling when it was embarrassing for me...at work and in public settings. I would put on the saddest music and think my thoughts and allow the tears to come. Then that pressure was relieved a bit. Hope that you'll have the opportunity to have lunch with your dad or invite him to your home for a long weekend or something soon. My thoughts are with you all... May you know the Lord's comfort each and every day.

  6. After my husband died..my daughter used to call me every day and say "how was your day, Mom." My days were always terrible but it was the call, the fact that she cared enough to call me. Everyone goes back to their lives..and your world has ended. I have said it was like being cut in half and bleeding to death and no one even noticed! I still say that!
    It is your father I am thinking of. Half of him is gone. Everything she did, is now left undone or he must do it. She isn't there to talk to ..watch television with, etc.

    It is a sad time of life...
    He has lost the person he ate with, slept with, shared everything with...
    As I said, half of him is gone.

    Time will pass and healing will begin when it is supposed to begin. It is like a scar. It heals over, but that scar is always there.
    What I learned from my losses is that your loved one is really never gone. They don't leave you. We just can no longer see them in their bodies. Their essence is with you always.

    I don't think anyone, not even my children, could possibly imagine what I went through. Not until you have lost a mate can you begin to know from that perspective.

    I lived an hour and a half from my parents too...and I also have regrets..but that is so normal. My parents, both of them, have been gone for years and I still want to call my Mom sometimes..

    I think crying when you talk to your father is just fine. But talk to him. Every day if you can. Just a "how was your day, Dad?" will do. He really does need that. Your caring call will help so much. Lonliness dogs your every step when you lose a spouse.
    One day when you lose your husband...you will appreciate it when your daughters just call to call. I know I did. It is good that you shared with us...I'm so glad you can. :)
    Hugs and love,

    p.s. Sorry to go on and on but your sadness touched me because of all I have lost. I know how you feel..but mostly I know how your father is feeling.

  7. I lost my mom 5 years ago, I still have moments when I want to call her and tell her about something I saw or did. I cry less often now. I was given this when my mom passed and it has helped me, hope it helps you too.

    Do not stand on my grave and weep
    I am not there I do not sleep.
    I am a thousand winds that blow
    I am the diamond glints in the snow
    I am the sunlight on ripened grain
    I am a gentle Autumns rain
    When you awaken in the morning hush
    I am the swift uplifting rush
    I am the birds in circled flight
    I am the soft stars that shine at night
    So do not stand on my grave and cry
    I am not there.... I did not die

  8. I live 22 hrs from my mom and dad and that eats me up. I want to spend lots of time with them and I can't. I never thought I'd move away and I did and I hate it but I'm here and praying I can be closer to them.

    I don't have any grandparents anymore and I miss them dearly. I'm so envious of those who still have their grandma and grandpa to see.

    No need to be strong--I hate when people say that. If you want to cry, do it, if it makes you feel better. :-)

  9. Just reading your post made me cry. It has been 22 years since my mom died yet it seems like yesterday. I still miss her and think to call her then catch myself.

    It's hard to lose someone you love. I think it's good to cry.

    I believe the deeper we hurt when we lose someone just means the deeper you loved that person.

    It's a wonderful thought to know that person was loved so much.

    Your mom is still with you. She will live on forever in your heart and actions.

    I'm so sorry for your loss.


  10. Oh HONEY.... I can SOOOO relate. I lost my Mum too. I'm so very sorry to read of your loss. Crying is not a bad thing....You really loved your Mom and it would naturally mean that your grief would be enormous..... I thought I wouldn't be able to get out of bed....and I could barely function. It's been a year and a half. I still long to call her, to have a cup of tea with her.......I still talk to her every day, life is lonely without her, but it's not as all-consuming as it was...it's not quite as painful as it was...It's only been 44 days, allow yourself some time to grieve...and that time is different for everyone.

    I'm sending you big, comforting hugs...I am sincerely sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you.

    If there's anything I could do to help, please let me know.

    Huggies and lovies,

  11. Lisa, I've walked in your shoes and I know how you feel. My mother passed away two years ago tomorrow. She had been very ill though with heart disease and she had suffered a lot. I invision her healthy, young, energetic and entertaining everyone in her new "home". There is a special place in heaven for dear people like my mother. She is in my heart though.
    Take care. The first year is particularly hard... the eight and ninth week some of the hardest. (Our doctor told us that is a textbook fact.) So glad you still have your father.
    Hugs and prayers for you.
    Ladybug Creek

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  14. Lisa...
    I'm so sorry for your loss. Your post touched me because I understand. Everyone mourns in their own way. We must work through our grieving process any way we can. I have lost several members close to me and watched the past couple of years as my FIL passed and my husband tried to ignore his loss. Busy himself so he didn't have to grieve. That is not healthy in MHO but again he is working through his grief in his own way, he will grieve in his own time. So is say cry when you need to! Laugh when you have to! Leave those PJ's on when you can and go through your process, it will get easier with time, your time. My mother passed when I was a young child and there are times throughout the year that grief still hits me. Soon you will find comfort that she is in a good place, when you are ready. God bless....and take care. Sending you hugs.....lots of hugs.
    Dee (farmhousecountrystyle)

  15. I want to ((hug)) you!
    Your mom's photo looks so much like my mother.
    My daddy past in 2005, I think about him every single day! We still have mom. She's 81.
    bless you and your daddy!
    ((hugs)) to you!

  16. Hugs and prayers are sent your way. I haven't checked in much lately, didn't know this had happened.

    I wanted to pass on something someone told me when I lost my brother (age 38) tragically many years ago. This dear friend told me, "You are in agony. You never have been before. Give yourself time."

    My dad passed away almost two years ago, but he'd suffered from dementia for several years so I think I was more prepared than when my brother died so tragically and young. When my dad died after months in a nursing home an daily visits there, I had to go to work and start teaching a new crew of young children just ONE WEEK after he died. It was tough, to say the very least. I don't know how I did it.

    His death almost hits me more now than it did when he passed. I never took the time to grieve it, there wasn't time.

    So today I cried for his loss, and also the loss of my brother who today would have celebrated his 53rd birthday. He's missed a lifetime of seeing his kids grow up, etc. It is so sad.

    Sorry to go on about my own grief, but know that you're not alone. It will get a little easier but we always miss them so much.

    One more gem that helped me:"There are no answers. Grief is the price we pay for love."

    Those who love greatly, grieve deeply. It's so wonderful to be blessed with the capacity to love and care so much.

    Take care and know you're in my prayers.

  17. Just checking in on you. Hope you are alright!


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